NOTIFICATION OF COMPULSORY ENLISTMENT

Dear Sir / Madam


Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act
(1978),  you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself
on standby for possible compulsory military service in the American
 / NATO Conflict in Afghanistan.

You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East
where you will join either the
3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal
Conscripts
or the 2nd Foot and Mouth Brigade
.

Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend
us any of their liners - because of the deplorable state in which they
were returned after the Falklands adventure - it will be necessary for
you to make your own way to the combat zone.

Her Majesty's Government has been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way
trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take
advantage of this offer  ( Ryan Air also do a nice little £9.99 trip ).

Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be
necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:

*        Combat Jacket

*        Trousers  ( preferably khaki - but please no denim )

*        Tin helmet

*        Boots  ( or a pair of sturdy trainers )

*        Gas mask

*        Map of the combat zone  ( the Ordinance Survey 1:2800 Outdoor
            Leisure Map of Afghanistan will do )

*        Rifle

*        Ammunition  ( preferably to suit previous item )

*        Suntan oil & Sunglasses

If you are in a position to afford it - we would like you to buy a tank
 - Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts
a 0% finance deal on all 2010 registration Jackels / Mastifs / Panthers / Trojans & Titans - but hurry - as offer is only available whilst stocks last

We would greatly appreciate it if you could pay to have the Tank converted to a Low-Carbon Technology  ( for the environment ... We're ALL Grass-Chewing Tree-Huggers in the Government now ! ) - we understand that Toyota offers a nice little Hybrid Conversion Pack BUT it does dent the performance of the Tank somewhat !

Remember NOT to convert to FULLY ELECTRIC - it can take upto 24 Hours on a COMPLETE CHARGE in a Tank which makes them less efficient - especially as 1 FULL charge lasts for only 3.5 Miles @ just 9Mph !!!

We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong - you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice  and your next of kin will be entitled to the new XL  ( Xtra Low ) War Widows Pension of £1.75 per calendar month - index-linked but subject to means testing ... and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.  

There may be little time for formal military training before your
departure and so we advise that you hire DVDs etc. of the following films
and try to pick up a few tips as you watch:

*        The Guns of Navarrone

*        Kelly's Heroes

*        A Bridge to Far

*        The Longest Day

*        Apocalypse Now

*        The Matrix Trilogy

*        The Desert Song

*        Mary Poppins

*        Blazing Saddles

We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.

To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of
Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what
may be involved.

 

Should you find yourself in live combat - surrounded & vastly out-numbered

. . . there are TWO important points we would like you to remember:

1:  You're not alone - most of our troops are outnumbered.

2:  PLEASE DO NOT SWEAR - it's just not nice !

 

Finally - in the interests of complying with the Health & Safety at Work act -

There is NO SMOKING permitted on the battlefield ! 

Remember . . . Smoking KILLS !!!

 

Yours faithfully,

The Right Honourable

Liam Fox MP,

UK Ministry of Defence.

 

The American / NATO Conflict in Afghanistan

A Bush - Blair  Obama - Cameron Production
Sponsored by Marrs, The Official snack of World War III !

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